Four False Sources Of Self Esteem that will always let you down


 Here. Hi everyone. I'm Emma McAdam. Today, we're going to talk about self-esteem, so self-esteem is important, but a lot of people struggle to have a healthy sense of their own identity. 

how self-esteem affects relationships

The question am I good enough seems to impact everyone. I included. I've been thinking about this a lot, especially since editing the video of me hiking with my girls when I say, You feel like you're never good enough because no one is, and I kind of regret saying that like, what I meant by that is that no one's able to be perfect or to, 100% Protect their kids from being hurt by, you know, their own weaknesses as a parent.

 But I don't mean or I don't think that we should run around feeling bad about ourselves or that we should endlessly beat ourselves up or treat ourselves with harshness or hatred because all of that makes us less productive and more hateful and it can't even make you depressed. 

I’ve got a sign up on my fridge that says, how you treat yourself equals how you treat your kids, equals how they treat others. 

So I really feel like it's important that we don't spend our time being harsh towards ourselves or beating ourselves up. 

But on the other hand, I'm gonna be honest, I don't really care for the self-esteem movement, and the basic idea is that you need to spend a lot of time thinking, nice things about yourself, or spending time every day, saying, nice things to yourself or making lists of all your good attributes.

 Now I do think that how we treat ourselves really does matter. It's really important and we should be honest, both about our strengths and our weaknesses. But I've seen self-esteem get turned into fake accomplishments and medals and Prideful comparisons and sometimes even just practices that don't work. 

For example, it’s never worked for me to just like sit in front of the mirror and say nice things to myself. It just didn't answer the question that I was asking. Which was how can I evaluate? How can I know if I'm living? Well, 

So in this video, I'm gonna talk about four sources of self-esteem that will always let you down and one approach to thinking about evaluating yourself that has actually helped me become more at peace. 

Self-esteem means how we esteem ourselves, how we see ourselves. It's what we use to determine whether we are worthy or good or worthwhile. 

Self-esteem means how we esteem ourselves, how we see ourselves. It's what we use to determine whether we are worthy or good or worthwhile. 

And I think that our worth is not changeable that we're always worthy of the love that, we're divine beings who have an inherent Divinity and inherent goodness, that never changes, no matter whether we make big mistakes, whether we're, you know, acting one way or acting another way. 

That our worth doesn't change, but I do think how we evaluate ourselves matters. How we determine if our lives are lined up with the path, we want to be on and how, you know, whether we feel good about ourselves. 

So let's talk about the first source of false self-esteem which is 

1. Appearance 

So in my work with youth, a lot of times when we ask them, what do you like about yourself? They often answer with things like I like my hair or I have a nice butt. And they aren't usually expressing appreciation for the gift and the wonder of their body. But rather they're feeling good about themselves because others approve of them or because they meet the cultural standards of beauty.

 And when we think we're worthwhile because we're pretty or skinny or attractive to others or because we're wearing the right clothes, it may feel validating for a while but in the long run basing, your worth on your appearance, will always let you down.

Because there will be times in your life that you aren't pretty and you'll age. And you know other stuff will come up. 

It’s perfectly fine to be beautiful and to use that as a part of your personal power, or your skillset. But basing your self-worth or yourself evaluation on appearance is really all about being more than someone else or being liked by someone else or being judged by someone else. 

Basing your worth on appearance gives away your personal power to others, who may not honor you for your deep inherent goodness. 

Basing your worth on appearance gives away your personal power to others, who may not honor you for your deep inherent goodness. 

Because you're worth, and your goodness is so much more than your outside appearance. Okay, now we're gonna talk about the second source of false self-esteem, and this is 

  • How appearance is connected with self-esteem? How Does Physical Appearance Affect Self-Esteem? Does your physical beauty have an impact on your self-esteem? Effects Of Physical Appearance On Self-Esteem? How do you maximize your self-esteem in terms of physical appearance?

2. Popularity.

 It always feels good when other people like you, when they approve of what you're doing, or they agree with you, but if you base your worth on that, then you'll always feel uncertain because people are fickle, they change their minds and there's always going to be someone who disagrees with us or who mistreats us. 

By placing our source of worth on others' opinions we put our worth in other people's control. So if we believe that, when they like us, I'm good, when they don't like us, I'm not good enough then we create this sense of helplessness and anxiety. It's okay to use others' opinions as informative, but not decisive as to your own worthiness and your value and to whether your life is on the track that you wanted to be on. 

Often our values include how we treat others like having close connections or being kind, and our relationships really are really important. But they shouldn't be the deciding factor of whether we like ourselves or whether we value the path that our life is on.

 While we can influence what other people think of us we can't control it. So basing, our self-esteem on what other people think of us is going to create a sense of uncertainty and insecurity and in the long run, it's probably gonna make you pretty anxious. Okay, number three is 

  • How does popularity affect self-esteem? what are the effects of popularity on self-esteem? Does popularity affect self-esteem? how does popularity affect students' self-esteem in school? How does popularity affect girls in school? How is the psychology of popularity related to self-esteem?,the effects of social status on self esteem.

3. Comparison. 

So when we use comparison as our source of self-esteem, we often fall into the routine of looking side to side to determine if we're any good. 

So, for example, if I get the highest score out of my classmates, I may feel good about myself, but then, if I realize there are other people in my school who are scoring higher than I am, then I'll feel bad about myself. There will always be someone better smarter faster. Likewise, someone's slower, lesser, or worse when we compare different traits.

When we place our worth on comparison, we create enmity between ourselves and others. Comparison basically says I'm not good or bad based on my choices, I'm good if I'm better than my husband or my neighbor. 

So that means that I'll be constantly looking to find others' faults seeking flaws and the people I love the most in order to know if I'm good enough. And when others are perceived as better, then I judge and I shame myself.

Comparison and competition will always let us down in the long run and comparison put you in a lose-lose situation. Because if you're worth depends on being better than others, then you're separating yourself from being able to truly connect with them. 

Okay, let's talk about the fourth source of false self-esteem. This is 

  • How does social comparison affect self-esteem? How does comparison impact self-esteem? Social Comparison Theory in Psychology, How Social Comparison Process Works, Upward Social Comparison,Downward Social Comparison

4. Achievement, 

And this one's counterintuitive because many times people place their value on the good things that they do. Making your life about what you've accomplished whether it's in business or service or family, not life. This can be a subtle trap. It's not that these things are bad, they're just the destination, not the journey and if our worth is only on what we've accomplished, then we tend to be unhappy until we've got to some future there yet. 

This keeps us unhappy and flustered and rushed or overworked until we are there. Also, accomplishments are often dependent on many factors that are outside of our control. Like what If you're paralyzed or the markets crash? Or there's a political climate that interferes with your goals? Are you then worthless? 

Do you evaluate yourself as being bad? No, of course, not. Your inherent worth is not dependent on what you accomplish. I truly believe that we're all inherently worthwhile as beautiful divine souls. 

If you evaluate your worth dependent on your achievement, then you're always left, wondering whether you're good enough and it's, it's putting your, your worthiness outside of your control. 

Making your worth depend on your achievement is also closely related to perfectionism. So Perfectionism says that the goal is to eliminate flaws, not only is it impossible but it's also not helpful. 

And that's because trying to eliminate all mistakes prevents us from growth. If mistakes are the problem or failure is feared, then no one would innovate. No one would try a new business or create something new. 

Perfectionism eliminates opportunity because it avoids risk. And then when we avoid risk, we tend to feel pretty miserable because we miss out on relationships, success, or opportunity. 

Perfectionism eliminates opportunity because it avoids risk. And then when we avoid risk, we tend to feel pretty miserable because we miss out on relationships, success, or opportunity. 

So instead of using appearance, popularity, comparison, or achievement, as our way to decide if we are worthwhile or if our life is on the path, we want it to be on. I do believe that there is one source of self-esteem that will not let us down. 

One way to evaluate ourselves and our path is to determine if we're lining our life up with the life, we want it to be. And this is values and integrity to our values.

 A value is an attribute that we deem valuable. So these are characteristics like kindness, hard-working or creativity. We can determine which values matter most to us and then we can choose to bring our actions in line with our values at any time.

Lowell Bennion said, “True self-esteem comes when we keep the promises we make to ourselves” When we come to trust that we’re going to act the way that we should.

 When we work toward being the kind of person that we value, we focus on the process of striving. We work on becoming a little better each day, and we pay attention to the process of growth instead of some imaginary perfection. And when we do that we have an internal locus of control.

I can choose whether I’m going to act on my values or not today. And when I do, I can evaluate myself, I can esteem myself as being on the right path. I can feel a sense of accomplishment and when I don’t act on my values, I can always reorient toward them so if I make a mistake maybe I’m not kind or I yell at my kids, I can remind myself my value is kindness and I’m going return toward trying to be more kind tomorrow. 

Values are not goals. Goals are something that’s concrete and measurable and you know when you’ve arrived. Values on the other hand are directions you’re working in. So If I have the goal to get married, underneath that is the value to have close connections to love people or to build up a support system.

  • How achievement of goals affects self-esteem? What is the relationship between success and self-esteem? Does achievement affect self-esteem? Effects of low self-esteem on academic performance?

If I live these values, I may be likely to get married. But if I don’t, I’ll feel content and I’ll know that I’ve lived a good life because I’m focusing on my values of being connected with people. If all I focus on is getting married, then my approach may be rushed or self-centered and I may actually struggle to reach my goals.

When we bring our actions in line with the character that we value, we feel peace contentment, and personal fulfillment. When our actions don’t line up with our values we feel guilty, uncomfortable, angry, depressed, we may blame others or feel worthless. Living your values is not about being perfect or never messing up, it’s about determining that your goal is progress. And when you’re trying to learn and grow you can feel good about yourself. 

When we decide the values are going to be our source of self-evaluation, and then we’re also deciding that we can choose to act in line with what’s valuable to us and what makes us feel like we’re on the right path with our life. 

I also believe the ultimate source of love and light is a higher power and our connection to God and the divine within us is our ultimate source of worth.

 I found that when I reach out to God and ask him how he feels about me I can often sense a deeper truth and love anything going on inside of my head. 

And when we connect to a higher power we can be filled with that source of compassion and a feeling of love and forgiveness, and that source enables us to extend gentleness even towards ourselves and our own mistakes and flaws and weaknesses.

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, ‘who I am to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not be...Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us..And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.[Marianne Williamson.]

1 comment:

  1. How does low self esteem affects love relationships? Share your THOUGHTS below